I’ve met a fellow, and it is total infatuation.  Sitting here in his apartment, having aggressively introduced myself during Turkey Trot at Club Cafe last night, I ponder the possibility of a full-fledged relationship with this fellow I initially imagined simply a one-night stand.

I find out from a mutual friend that this fellow tells him he is “on the train to boyfriend town.”  I consider falling in love with this fellow & do so.  One of my closest friends & I pretty much part ways because she thinks I’m jumping into a relationship rather than dealing with the whys of my suicide attempt.  I’m just happy to feel “normal” after that silliness.

I know the boyfriend is moving to NYC so beat him to it, thinking this will ensure our relationship continues.  Even though his notion of living is planning his wardrobe based on next season’s offerings, even though his friends are vapid.

New York is positively terrible, so I drink my days into my nights; I will outrun my misery, I will outrun my misery, I will….  I’m living in Bushwick and am mugged.  I am mugged again.  I am arrested for getting in a cop’s face.  I lose my job.  The boyfriend tells me he’s peacing out.  I will not, absolutely will not, leave NYC.  You big, scary, beautiful, terrible, lovely, hateful city – you will not beat me into submission, retreat.

I get a job at a fashion forecasting service, and I am happy then unhappy then happy.  I meet a man who I know can protect me, who I know can be an important part of my future, who excites me & challenges me & impresses me.  We spend much of our time chemically uplifted, and I like this.  I am impressed with the new life I am living & am impressed with the man’s truly bright, nice, and interesting friends.

As I grow happier with the man, I grow just OK with the job.  Then my favorite boss leaves, leaving me only with the positively awful Controller of the firm, and I am really unhappy!  I drink more & more.

I am at a new job – back at a law firm, another of the largest in the world, this one a financial powerhouse, the second most profitable of them all.  Oh My God, this is the most miserable place anyone could ever work.  The Most Miserable!  I get off the train in the morning – a pint of vodka.  I work out – I buy another pint of vodka.  It’s 4:30 – I buy another pint of vodka.  It’s dinner time – I drink a bottle of wine.  It’s 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning – I wake up and drink a couple or few swigs of vodka.  I start over.

I give up the ghost and admit my happy, decently successful life is an unhappy, nearly depleted existence.  I am Ryan, and I am an alcoholic.

This I know:  I have Phillip, I have my besties, I have my family.  I will get better, I will make it in New York, I will be able to make it anywhere.  I just have to figure out why I was brought here & what I am supposed to do.